“With OCD it’s like there is two sides of your brain constantly warring, rational and irrational, the question is which one wins. Don’t let the fear decide for you”
Would you call yourself a fearful person? I do. In some people fear is just a small thing that can be shoved at the back of your brain, locked away laying dormant. For others fear is a very real part of everything they do. It’s all consuming.
For me fear is a major contributor to my OCD and even though I am aware of the part it plays, I’m yet to be able to control it. Fear doesn’t wake me up, it shuts me down, how many of you have experienced the same thing? So how do I know the part fear plays in my mental health? Well it’s simple really. My obsessions are based around fear.
Fear of contamination – I worry constantly about being contaminated, that everything is dirty, and it is that fear of becoming contaminated which drives me to obsession. That is one of the hardest things to get to grips with in my daily life, because to me everything is dirty, the shoes that I have to put on my son’s feet, the taps and door handles to the bathroom, the door keys, it always feels like there is a list a mile long of obstacles to overcome before you even reach the front door in the morning.
Fear of something bad happening. I check things constantly, and even if I have done all my checks I can’t be sure that they’re done properly, that it will stop something bad happening. Sometimes it’s just a feeling you get in your gut, but other times you’re convinced that you didn’t check the oven was off and as a result the house will catch fire. It doesn’t matter if you checked it a certain number of times or in a certain order the fear that it will happen is very real, and often it bothers me all day, sometimes to the point of a panic attack. My brain will just unhelpfully remind me of the one time it actually wasn’t off and use that as proof and justification for my fear.
Fear of it being my fault . Even if a tiny slither of your brain understands you did everything you could, took every reasonable precaution you could think of at the time. If something bad happens you go from fearing it is your fault to knowing it is your fault. It is something I war with, and it all leads back to the OCD guilt cycle.
I truly hope one day, I will own and accept my fear. Maybe then I will be able to control it, until that day comes I will keep fighting, even if giving up is what seems easy.